“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells