My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I beg your pardon?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed