Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 馃槨
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“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that鈥檚 where they live.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: Well well, if it isn鈥檛 the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.