Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
How I like cutting carbs
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
When you don’t understand how floors work
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.