Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Woke up with morning Yule Log