Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
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The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.