so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun