Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?