Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Reporter: *ports again*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit