Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
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girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Hey i am sexy to you now
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)