I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.