[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Message from the dog groomers
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired