My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You Might Also Like
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
We’ve come full circle
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.