In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
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Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.