Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
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According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander