My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
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[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Oh my god
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)