The new Ring movie looks terrifying
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When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Namaste
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
whatcha thinkin bout
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
okay run it by me one more time
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that