On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat