Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
some Old Testament wisdom
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor