Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no