Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.