Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
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Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Duck typos.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
that’s really how it is
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.