Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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Sell your car
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it