*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??