[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
accurate
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.