Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
reminder
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Wednesday