I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
they really do be looking like this
Finally! 😈
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*