[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
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My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
the composer
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me