Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
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It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”