God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
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If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
he looks great for his age
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Quadruple digit IQ
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad