i- i did not expect this
You Might Also Like
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Born to be mild.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”