Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.