(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
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car not found
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
what could possibly go wrong?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
My dream job is getting paid to dream
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.