Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]