when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
2 years later
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.