*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.