Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.