The three genders.
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.