So many pants.
So little yoga.
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Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
🍞🦆
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song