No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
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“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Super Hand Dog Face
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?