Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
uh oh
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.