if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
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For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
how to have an accident 101
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.