10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.