Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
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Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Labreador
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…