Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
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[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.