Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
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For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?