Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler