“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh