We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?