How do I rate our solar system?
One star
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“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Geez man, take it easy.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…